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Topics - Alan@asperformance

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Biking Talk / Seasons greetings
« on: December 24, 2014, 02:06:46 PM »
Merry Chrsitmas and hope everyone (anyone??) that frequents these parts has a good one......... :down

Sport forum / WSBK 2014
« on: February 27, 2014, 07:24:13 PM »
cracking kick-off to the championship and a welcome suprise from Mr.Laverty showing up the ousting from Aprillia for a certain small statured Italian may well back-fire.................. :thumbsup:

Non biking talk / the right idea???
« on: September 17, 2013, 07:42:45 PM »
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies  :wistle

Non biking talk / new invention
« on: August 28, 2013, 08:04:21 PM »
I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "a folding bottle".

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have."

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Non biking talk / old age
« on: August 01, 2013, 09:06:38 PM »
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

Non biking talk / peace and quiet
« on: June 27, 2013, 09:08:47 PM »
Tom had been in the police for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress and the crap weather in Yorkshire, he quits his job and buys a sheep station in the Australian Outback as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking".

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely "I use text speak because I'm special" be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. There'll just be the two of us."


Non biking talk / v1.7
« on: March 08, 2013, 08:10:49 PM »
Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

Biking Talk / very inspirational vid
« on: March 02, 2013, 06:19:29 PM »
hats off to this guy.................

Sport forum / AUS WSBK spoiler
« on: February 23, 2013, 12:55:38 PM »
intriguing some of the times after superpole, a few pleasant suprises  :thumbsup:

1. Carlos Checa ESP Alstare Ducati 1199 R 1m 30.234s
2. Eugene Laverty IRL Aprilia Racing RSV4 1m 30.429s
3. Michel Fabrizio ITA Red Devils Roma Aprilia RSV4 1m 30.581s
4. Tom Sykes GBR Kawasaki Racing ZX-10R 1m 30.615s
5. Marco Melandri ITA BMW GoldBet S1000RR HP4 1m 30.615s
6. Sylvain Guintoli FRA Aprilia Racing RSV4 1m 30.683s
7. Leon Camier GBR Fixi Crescent Suzuki GSX-R1000 1m 30.991s
8. Leon Haslam GBR Pata Honda CBR1000RR 1m 30.998s
9. Jonathan Rea GBR Pata Honda CBR1000RR 1m 31.742s
10. Davide Giugliano ITA Althea Aprilia RSV4 1m 31.283s
11. Loris Baz FRA Kawasaki Racing ZX-10R 1m 31.576s
12. Chaz Davies GBR BMW GoldBet S1000RR HP4 1m 31.870s
13. Max Neukirchner GER MR Ducati 1199 R 1m 32.010s
14. Jamie Stauffer AUS Honda Racing CBR1000RR 1m 32.353s
15. Ivan Clementi ITA HTM Racing BMW S1000RR 1m 32.773s
16. Glenn Allerton AUS Next Gen BMW S1000RR 1m 32.352s
17. Jules Cluzel FRA Fixi Crescent Suzuki GSX-R1000 1m 32.402s
18. Alexander Lundh SWE Pedercini Kawasaki ZX-10R 1m 33.487s
19. Ayrton Badovini ITA Alstare Ducati 1199 R 1m 32.540s
20. Federico Sandi ITA Pedercini Kawasaki ZX-10R 1m 32.898s
21. Vittorio Iannuzzo ITA Grillini Dentalmatic BMW S1000RR 1m 33.082s

Non biking talk / swings and roundabouts
« on: February 15, 2013, 08:40:30 PM »
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

« on: February 08, 2013, 07:40:45 PM »
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.


Non biking talk / choose wisely young sir.............
« on: February 01, 2013, 08:02:42 PM »

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
..The first man married a Greek girl
. He told her that she was to do the dishes and housecleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...

.The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either,
...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down,
he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.


Non biking talk / get ready for summer
« on: January 16, 2013, 08:48:33 PM »
Not long now........ Get the Barby ready lads.....  stock up your freezers....


Biking Talk / Seasonal Good Tidings
« on: December 24, 2012, 10:50:49 AM »
much as i know that most on here wouldn't stop to help an old lady across the road i thought i would offer the olive branch in this season of good cheer and hope Santa brings you all you have earned this year.................. :rotflmao:

all the best guys  :wave

Biking Talk / foggy & whit / giving it gas
« on: October 26, 2012, 08:35:31 PM »
went up to see Foggy & Whit last night and have to say its one of the funniest things ever.................. :thumbsup:

Whitham just fooked and cursed all night and Foggy was really dry but cracked some one-liners and set Whit up big style..........was good to see two guys enjoying themselves and not being too seriouc and showbiz  :clap

even saw some other noteable (should that be notorious  :wistle) forum members there,
Tight5, Toot, his missus and the trackday mob..............

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